The Savage Desert - Continued.

SCENE 19. EXT. DESERT. MID-AFTERNOON

THIS SCENE IS SHOT THROUGH TERRY’S CAMCORDER. THE DIRECTOR, BOB THE CAMERAMAN, WILMOT THE SOUND ENGINEER AND SARAH THE RESEARCH ASSISTANT AT THE VAN. THE WINNIBAGO HAS TWO FLAT TYRES. SHOT OF THE VAN. IT’S THE FIRST TIME WE’VE SEEN IT. BEHIND IT WE CAN ALSO SEE THE DIRECTOR’S LAND ROVER.

CLOSE UP OF BOB:

DIR:
(Off camera) Hmmm. That’s bad luck. Two flat tyres and only one spare.

CAMERA PANS TO DIRECTOR. TOO LATE - AS BOB SPEAKS. IN THIS SCENE TERRY IS UNSUCCESSFUL IN TRYING TO TRAIN HIS CAMERA ON THE PERSON ACTUALLY SPEAKING. HE IS ALWAYS ONE STEP BEHIND.

BOB:
(Also off camera) Well, that’s it. I’m not going any further.

PAN TO BOB:

DIR:
(Off camera)You can’t back out. There’s no point doing this if it’s not on film.

PAN TO DIR:

BOB:
(Off camera) But I’m not part of the expedition. I’m the cameraman.

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO FIT BOTH THE DIRECTOR AND BOB IN SHOT.

WILMOT:
(Also off camera and out of shot) That goes for me too. We stay with the van.

ZOOM IN ON WILMOT:

DIR:
(Off camera) Look. The important thing is to capture this on film.

PAN TO DIR:

WILMOT:
(Off camera) The important thing is…

PAN QUICKLY TO WILMOT:

BOB:
(Off camera) (INTERRUPTING) Look. No van. No sound. No vision. Okay?

PAN TO BOB:

DIR:
(Off camera) I’ll double your fee.

PAN TO DIR:

BOB:
(Off camera) And the producer will go for that, will he? We stay with the van.

PAN TO BOB:

SARAH:
(Also off camera) And the water. The water’s in the van.

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO INCLUDE ALL FOUR SPEAKERS. NOW THEY ARE ALL IN THE FRAME.

CDT:
(Off camera) What’s the problem?

CAMERA PANS TO CDT:

DIR:
(Off camera) Nothing. Can we camp here for the night?

PAN AND ZOOM IN ON DIR:

CDT:
(Off camera) It’s still the middle of the afternoon.

PAN TO CDT:

DIR:
(Off camera) Look. I’ve radioed base. They can send new tyres tomorrow in the chopper. But I think the party should stay here with the van.

PAN TO DIR:

CDT:
(Off camera) Okay. I guess… if we must. You haven’t got any tweezers have you?

PAN TO CDT:

SARAH:
(Off camera) I’ve got some in the van.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS RIGHT OUT AS SARAH GOES INTO VAN. ALL FOUR PEOPLE ARE IN FRAME – LOOKING AT THE VAN, WAITING FOR SARAH TO RE-APPEAR WITH TWEEZERS. THERE’S ABOUT TEN SECONDS OR SO OF SILENCE.

CUT TO:

SCENE 20. EXT. DESERT. EARLY EVENING. IT’S STILL LIGHT.

FRED AND JUNE TALKING TO CAMERA:

FRED:
We’re all a bit worried, obviously. We can’t go on without the back-up van.

DIR:
(Off camera) Well, you could. It’s a test of how you survive in such a hostile climate, isn’t it? The Winnibago is for the crew.

FRED:
I guess so. But… well. There doesn’t seem any point in taking any chances.

JUNE:
Poor old Liam’s knackered, aren’t you boy? (TO DOG) Yes you are. Yes. Yes. Yes. You’re a boy. You are. You’re Mummy’s boy. You’re a big strong boy…

DIR:
But we’ve only gone two kilometres. You’re not giving up already are you?

FRED:
No. Of course not. But… well… There is something…

DIR:
Yes?

FRED:
I’ve not been entirely honest with you. I should have told you before. You see…

WILMOT:
(Off camera) LOUD SNEEZE
I’m sorry. It’s hay fever I think.

DIR:
(Off camera) Hay fever? You’re supposed to record the sound. Not make it.

BOB:
(Off camera) Sorry.

JUNE:
We’d have probably got further if we hadn’t had to keep waiting for Beverley to catch up. She had to keep stopping for her oxygen.

FRED:
That’s right.

JUNE:
She let me try it. It gives you quite a buzz you know, pure oxygen.

DIR:
(TO FRED) You were saying about being honest…

FRED:
Yes, I…

WILMOT:
(SNEEZES SEVERAL TIMES)

DIR:
For goodness sake. Now… you were saying…

WILMOT
We’ll have to stop I’m afraid. My nose is running.

CUT TO:

RON AND BEVERLEY:
RON: (TO CAMERA) (LIGHTS CIGARETTE)
Quite a nice bunch of people, really.

BEV:
That Daniella. She’s very nice. And Terry. He’s ever so clever. He knows ever such a lot about cameras.
Reminds me of our Sam. That’s my sister’s boy. Trish. He’s got a nice camera.

RON:
Sam’s a bit taller, mind. He was so tiny when he was small. Then he just shot up. It was quite startling.

BEV:
Not sure about Fred and June, tho’. Bit uncommunal. Keep themselves to themselves. And I thought June was a bit rude to be brutal.

DIR:
(Off camera) How was that?

BEV:
Saying how we was slowing everyone down. It’s not my fault I have to have this oxygen. How would she like it?

RON:
She tried it actually, didn’t she love?

BEV:
Yeah.

RON:
And she did like it.

BEV:
I suppose so.

RON:
I like that pop star, Zeph. Seems like a nice bloke. He was big in the Eighties. Not really my favourite period. Though I like that advert. (SINGS BADLY) Don’t you want me baby. Don’t you want me.. ooh oo oo oo

BEV:
Yeah. He’s okay. She’s a slut, though. Give us a ciggie.

(RON OBLIGES)

I hope we don’t have to drink anyone’s urine.

CUT TO:

ZEPH AND JIZZ TALKING TO CAMERA:
ZEPH’S GUITAR IS CLOSE AT HAND.

ZEPH:
We haven’t really come very far, have we?

JIZZ:
You’re pleased we’ve stopped though.

ZEPH:
Not at all. We could have gone much further.

JIZZ:
Your actual words were – I’m knackered. I’ve fucking had it. I’m fucking handing in my fucking notice.

ZEPH:
(IN CLOSE UP) All right. All right. I was knackered and I did say those things. But that’s part of it, isn’t it? Like making a million-selling album. After recording the first track you think – That’s it! That was bloody hard work. Sod the album I’ll put it out as a single. But then you record the drums and bass for the next track, and the synthesisers, and before you know it you’ve finished the album.
(LOOKS ROUND FOR JIZZ. SHE’S GONE)
I expect she’s gone to the loo. (PAUSE) Isn’t she lovely? You know, the music business is so full of selfish, shallow, artificial people. Jizz is a breath of fresh air. She’s an innocent, really. She makes it all worthwhile.

DIR:
(Off camera) You’re still optimistic about the expedition, then?

ZEPH:
As long as I’ve got my baby.
(ZEPH PICKS UP HIS GUITAR. STRUMS A COUPLE OF CHORDS)
Beautiful isn’t it? It’s a Gibson 69 Les Paul custom. I thought I was going to have to leave it behind. Then Sarah said I could keep it in the van.

DIR:
Well, you can’t actually. The van is strictly for the crew. You have to carry everything on your person.

ZEPH:
I tried that. It was just too heavy. Did you know Sarah could play the guitar?

DIR:
No, I didn’t.

ZEPH:
She’s lovely isn’t she? (PAUSE) I’d be lost without my guitar. I’m going to write a song about being in the desert. Maybe you could use it for the soundtrack. Or the opening credits or something. I might write a song-cycle. Use it on my new album.
(PAUSE)
This is a fantastic experience, isn’t it?

CUT TO:

DANIELLA-JAYNE AND TERENCE:

THEY ARE SITTING ON CHAIRS, BENEATH A PARASOL, BEHIND THE WINNIBAGO. THEY ARE SIPPING LONG DRINKS AND DANIELLA IS EATING CHOCOLATES.

DANIELLA:
(TO CAMERA) Isn’t it super? We’ve walked two miles today, which is an awful lot.

TERRY:
Kilometres, actually.

DANIELLA:
Is that more than miles or less?

TERRY:
A mile is 1.6 kilometres.

DANIELLA:
Don’t confuse me. You’re always doing that.

TERRY:
I’m not.

DANIELLA:
You are. And don’t argue. You’re always arguing lately.

DIR:
(Off camera) You two aren’t allowed on those chairs.

DANIELLA:
(TO DIR. ) Would you like a chocolate? There are a few left. They’ve got a fridge in the van you know. These are Belgian which, at the end of the day, I have to say are my favourite. Swiss are good but…

DIR:
Those chairs belong to the crew.

DANIELLA:
The helicopter is bringing some more chocolates out. That’s the main thing. Bob sorted it for me. Now that we can keep them in the fridge I can have a proper supply.

DIR:
You two will have to vacate those chairs.

DANIELLA:
What? Why?

DIR:
You’re part of the expedition. Not the crew. You can only use the equipment you’ve brought with you. In your back pack.

DANIELLA:
You can’t fit chairs in a back pack.

DIR:
I don’t care about that. That chair is mine. It’s got my name on the back. That means it’s for me to sit on. I’m sorry, but there it is.

DANIELLA STANDS AND EXAMINES CHAIR

DANIELLA:
It says B and Q?

DIR:
You’ll have to move.

TERRY:
Are your names Bernard and Quentin, then?

DIR:
No.

DANIELLA:
Where do we sit then?

DIR:
Well… you could sit on a rock.

DANIELLA:
In this outfit? You’re pulling my leg.

TERRY:
How about Brian and Quintus?