Happy Violentine's

The phones rang frenetically. SMS’s jammed inboxes and emails flew across continents! The Violentine Rants had begun. That Woman was happily oblivious to it all till Pi - Gay Best Friend formerly known as P, (Phew…!) called.

“Are you single?” he asked but the tone was more like stating the obvious.

“And so are you,” she snapped back with equal attitude.

“And Valentine’s Day is around the corner,” he whined with a hint of sarcasm. This was their Violentine Rant. Which is, a long, angry and ideally humorous ‘rant’ inevitably done after successfully surviving one too many Valentine’s Days.
That Woman suddenly sat straight. “Shit! Yes! …Nooooooooooo!” How she hated Valentine’s Day! “Look into your crystal ball and tell me what you see for me?” Pi joked.“Ok!” she took a deep breath. “The planets are in your favor, and you’re in the power seat…for about a day. So don’t sleep through it. You will meet an exciting new man on the 4th but find out he has a boyfriend. Another sexy stranger will come into your life on the 10th -not as sexy as the first guy, but this one is at least available- and you will share an incredible night of passion. Then he won’t call you ever again. Take some risks this month. Although not risks like you took last month. You should ALWAYS use a condom. The planets are sorry to sound preachy but there are some things you, as a responsible adult must absolutely do.”

“Ha ha! Very funny!” Pi grunted. “And what’s yours?”

“This month, your personal life is entering a happier chapter, but that’s not saying much, because you have been a mess! Your planets turn fickle soon after. Pluto can’t decide if you should live happily ever after or die alone. This is the perfect time to lay low. Read a book. Take up Pilates. Any attempts at romance will end in disaster. Jupiter in Leo magnifies your parents’ fear that you will never marry. Hang on though, Nine West’s Spring/Summer shoes collection is coming out this month!”

That Woman knew the rants. She’d done the rants. She had a fresh rant last year when Pi and she decided to throw an Anti-Valentine’s Day party for their single friends…and Pi was suddenly caught up in a whirlwind romance and of course, ineligible for the party. Which never happened, by the way. This year, she vowed to look at the whole thing more intelligently and logically. So, instead of The Violentine Rant, she decided to earn some Good Karma points by helping people who got major anxiety attacks because of that day.

Dating is God’s evolutionary obstacle course.

A very important point to make and to remember at all times. No matter what! And if you wanted to move from one stage to the other, you had to clear the obstacles. With minimum injury to self. Speaking of which, there’s only one real ‘injury’. Dater’s Remorse. That sick feeling you get after dating someone you didn’t really need and couldn’t emotionally afford. In some people, it has been known to set in really really deep.

And by the onset of February, it gets worse. The unfortunate truth is that while most of us are savvy shoppers, we’re not sufficiently selective when looking for relationships, and that’s why we often suffer from Dater’s Remorse. Perhaps we should try to apply conventional consumer wisdom to men (or women - for all the male readers) as well as merchandise.

Here’s how:

1. Go with a classic, not a trend.

We all know it’s unwise to spend a month’s salary on a hot pink vinyl jacket from Moschino. But when it comes to men, even the most conservative among us occasionally invests in the human equivalent of a fashion fad.

Case in point: Traveling Artist. She was in film school then and her head was filled with great ideas about traveling all over the world, writing travelogues, taking pictures and being content. Since film school had attendance issues, instead of being one herself, she dated one. He had just returned from China and was filled with amazing anecdotes. He had also learned Tai Chi and could do it with a sword. Wow! She was sooo impressed. Concerned Best Friend’s warnings were completely ignored by telling her how he was sooo much more interesting than those boring banker types everybody else was dating. Of course, what turned out to be a fun, impulse buy turned out to require more of an emotional investment than she was willing to make. It took her two months to break up with him. Two-months of pure irritation, anger and annoyance. The good thing about Investment Banker types? They’re familiar with the expression ‘Cut your losses’.

2. Beware of the phrase ‘Some Assembly Required’

Anyone who has tried to follow translated-from-Chinese directions for putting together a food processor understands that when you’ve got to assemble something yourself, the money you save isn’t worth the time you spend. The same goes for men. Many women think that even though a guy is not exactly ‘together’ we can easily straighten him out. The fact is that fixer-uppers are more likely to stay forever flawed, no matter what you do.

3. Make sure your purchase goes with other things you own.

That Woman once fell in love with a very expensive deep red leather couch, and seriously considered buying it, even though it would mean being broke for months. But the couch…The Couch…she visited it a few more times, but didn’t buy, and not just out of sympathy for her bank account. She realized that if she bought that couch, she’d have to replace all her comfy old stuff with new knick-knacks equal in quality and style to the red leather couch. Men can be like that too. You’re drawn to them because they’re attractively different, but being with them may mean changing your entire life.

4. This once – AVOID BARGAIN HUNTING!

I know its end of January and all the sales happen! And for God’s sake, stop reading this and go check them out! That bag you saw for Rs. 4000 might have come down to Rs. 2000 and your sworn style rival could be in closer proximity of it than you are. BUT, for God’s sake, NEVER EVER pick up a guy at a Sale! I know, I know the temptation. I know the feeling, “It’s not really my style but it’s available really cheap and I’ve always wanted to try it… Oh! What the heck! We only live once!” Swipe card. Sign receipt. Take home trouble and a sexy pair of shoes!

So, before the ‘Swipe Card’ stage, it’ll be better to remember the principle behind end of season sales. No Refund. No Exchange! So, no picking-up a man just because he’s…there!

5. Check with previous owners.

Once beyond age 25, most men would have to be classified as secondhand (or Pre-Owned, as you please). And we all know how risky it is to buy used merchandise. Dater’s Remorse has been known to especially affect most when you realize the man you thought was The One, was married!

Checking helps eliminate such jerks to a considerable extent. This includes men who don’t tell you they’re married when you meet them, men who tell you they’re getting divorced, men who never plan to get divorced, and in most cases – all three wrapped up in a handsome little package.

Therefore, it’s up to you to do basic consumer research. Find out how many previous owners your selection has had. Hear the Jerk Alert Bang: If he’s such a steal, why is he still available? …Is it because he’s not all that hot-looking, or because he’s fundamentally a jerk.

(Before becoming too critical, bear in mind that you’re still available.)

Okay, so the number of players has been narrowed down to a chosen few. There’s nothing worse than almost marrying someone, breaking it off, and having to start over as a victim of Cupidism. Or being in a relationship where the uncertainty drives you mad!

You look at the various Red Things That Symbolize V-Day and it seems like they’re mocking you. Imagine two red heart shaped balloons telling you, “We know we’re on our way out in 3 days. Do you?” It’s like failing your twelfth class board exams and having to go back to kindergarten. Having said that, here is what will help the most.

The Relation Competency Exam!

It’s time saving, money-saving and easy to use. You and only you can determine whether your date’s answers merit relationship credit. His Relationship Worthiness. The exam is completely unscientific, and until someone comes up with a better one, this is the standard.

Relationship Competency Exam – for Men

1. English: What does it mean when you say, “I’ll call you?”

2. Math: How many women can you have sex with and still be monogamous?

3. Physics: Find a way to arrange your bathroom things on your half of the sink, knowing full well your girlfriend needs the whole sink for her things.

4. Economics: Who pays for dinner if your date makes more money than you and how long before you resent her for it?

5. Psychology: Other than abject fear, what are some possible reactions to the words, “I love you?”

Relationship Competency Exam – for Women

1.English: When you say, “I’m not in a rush to get married”, define the word ‘rush.

2.Math: Is the amount of minutes it takes you to evaluate a date as Relationship Worthy, more than or equal to the amount of minutes it takes you to ignore the red flags?

3. Physics: Find a way to arrange your bathroom things on your half of the sink while still maintaining the illusion that you wake up looking this good.

4. Economics: How much should you pay for an apartment you never visit in order to keep a boyfriend from freaking out that you live in his?

5. Psychology: Other than abject fear, what are some possible reactions to the words, “I’m not ready for a relationship yet?”

Disclaimer: Following these guidelines won’t guarantee a great relationship, but it will help you cut down on the number of times you feel Dater’s Remorse. Obviously, finding the right man is a bit more complicated than buying a microwave.]

So, Happy Shopping people! And once the hype and hoopla has died down, we shall come back here to discuss issues of larger existential importance.