The Savage Desert - Part Two

SCENE 4. EXT. HOUSE IN UK.

ESTABLISHING SHOT. WELL-PRESENTED SEMI IN LEAFY AVENUE. THERE IS A FOR SALE SIGN IN THE FRONT GARDEN. IT IS RAINING.
CUT TO:
SCENE 5. INT. FRED AND JUNE’S LOUNGE.

FRED AND JUNE ARE SITTING ON SOFA TALKING TO CAMERA. THEY HAVE THEIR DOG, A YORKSHIRE TERRIER, WITH THEM. THE ROOM IS BARE. A FEW LARGE BOXES ARE PILED IN CORNER. FRED WEARS DARK GLASSES.

FRED:
Hello. I’m er… Fred. This is my wife June.

JUNE:
Hello. And this is our dog, Liam. He’s a Yorkshire Terrier. We got him from Battersea Dog’s Home.
He’s very intelligent. (TO DOG IN SILLY VOICE) Aren’t you? Yes you are. Oh, you are. You know you are. Yes, yes, yes, yes….

THE DIRECTOR:
(Off camera) What made you decide to take up this challenge? To cross the Nwangi Desert?

FRED:
I deal in… er… second hand goods. And, well, to tell you truth, things have been a little slow lately. Haven’t they love?

JUNE:
Very quiet. Mind you, Liam keeps us on our toes. We named him after Liam Gallagher.

FRED:
Anyway, we saw this advert on the internet.
TV programme seeks volunteers for desert adventure. And we thought, that sounds exciting. That sounds like fun. We’ve never been anywhere, you know, dangerous before.

JUNE:
We did go to the Isle of Wight, once.

FRED:
That wasn’t dangerous, though, was it?

JUNE:
The ferry was.

DIR:
The ferry?

JUNE:
It ran over a dingy.

FRED:
So, we saw the ad on the internet…

JUNE:
And Fred’s friend fell in. And drowned.

FRED:
So, we saw this ad…

JUNE:
He went right over the railings. Well, he wasn’t really a friend was he? More of a business associate I suppose. Nice chap. Liam took quite a shine to him. (TO LIAM) Didn’t you Liam. Yes you did. You did. Oh yes you did…


FRED:
(TO JUNE) I don’t think the viewers will want to hear about that.

DIR:
So. You were looking for adventure.

FX: THE DOORBELL RINGS TO TUNE OF THE SWEENY.

FRED:
Excuse me.

FRED GETS UP AND GOES ACROSS TO THE WINDOW AND PEERS FURTIVELY OUT.

DIR:
Let’s start again. Cut.

CUT TO:

FRED AND JUNE ARE SITTING ON SOFA AS AT THE BEGINNING

DIR:
(Ooo camera) Fred and June. What made you decide to take up this challenge? To cross the Nwangi Desert?

FRED:
I think we just needed a break. You know. To try something different.

JUNE:
Lie low for a bit.

DIR:
What do you mean exactly – lie low?

FRED:
(LAUGHS) Well… that’s not exactly how I would put it.

JUNE:
But you said…

FRED:
June means we need to take some time out. Regroup. Have a bit of a breather. We’ve had one or two er… problems. We’ve expanded the business a lot and the er… bank want their investment back.
We’re just hoping for some peace and quiet, to be honest. The phone never stops ringing.

DIR:
The desert is certainly a place for introspection. A place to find inner calm.

FRED:
That’s right.

DIR:
So… you’re not after adventure?

FRED:
No.

DIR:
I’m a bit confused. Are you after adventure or peace and quiet?

FRED:
Er… well… June is after adventure but I’m after peace and quiet. How’s that?

JUNE:
And we’ve family in Australia.

DIR:
The Nwangi Desert’s in West Africa.

JUNE:
Sorry. Of course it is. Sorry. I’m very sorry. I was forgetting. We’re only pretending it’s in West Africa aren’t we… for the programme…Oh dear…

DIR:
Don’t worry. We can edit that out.
(PAUSE)
Have you ever been to the desert?

JUNE:
Not as such. Although we have been to Camber Sands. Near Rye? They filmed Carry On – Follow That Camel there. Have you seen it?

DIR:
I think we’ll end it there shall we?

JUNE:
Liam Gallagher’s in Oasis.

CUT TO:
SCENE 6. EXT. DESERT.
CONTINUATION OF SCENE 3. CAPTAIN DICK TROY IS SITTING ON BURNT-OUT LANDROVER. HE JUMPS DOWN ON TO RUNNING BOARD AND SWINGS HIMSELF INTO THE DRIVING SEAT. IN DOING SO HE SNAGS HIS SHIRT AND CURSES QUIETLY. HE ADDRESSES CAMERA THROUGH GLASS-LESS WINDSCREEN.

CDT:
This is the Nwangi Desert, West Africa. It has never been crossed by man. Or woman. It is so hostile that even I, with my years of experience crossing similar deserts, tracking enemy soldiers under enemy fire, could not cross the whole thing. Not in one go, anyway. In fact we are only going to walk across one small corner of it but in doing so we will still be the first to have made that giant leap. Only the South Pole is more hostile than here. But this is much hotter and… (HE JUMPS OUT OF CAR AND ON TO GROUND. HE TRICKLES SAND THROUGH HIS HAND.) … there is much more sand.