The Savage Desert - Part Three

SCENE 7: EXT. HOUSE IN UK. ESTABLISHING SHOT OF RONALD AND BEVERLEY’S RUN-DOWN TERRACED HOUSE. IT IS RAINING.
CUT TO:
SCENE 8: RONALD AND BEVERLEY’S LOUNGE.
A HUGE PILE OF CIGARETTE ENDS FILL ASHTRAYS ON ARMS OF THREADBARE SOFA. RONALD AND BEVERLEY COUGH A LOT. AS INTERVIEW BEGINS THEY STUB OUT THEIR CIGARETTES.

RONALD:
I’m Ronald and this is my wife, Beverley. Our friends call us Ron and Bev. We saw the advert in our local paper and we knew we had to give it a go.

DIRECTOR:
(Voice off camera) Have you ever done anything like this before?

RON:
No. The advert said no experience was necessary. Hang on,,, (HE RUMMAGES IN HIS POCKET AND BRINGS OUT CRUMPLED NEWSPAPER CUTTING. HE PUTS ON HIS GLASSES AND READS FROM IT.) …no experience necessary. (LOOKS BACK TO CAMERA)
Well, that’s us.
(LIGHTS FRESH CIGARETTE)
We’re pretty ordinary, aren’t we love? No airs and graces.

BEV:
(NODS IN AGREEMENT) Airs and (COUGHS) …

RON:
What you see is what you get.

BEV:
(NODS) What you… (COUGHS)… sorry.

DIR:
The Nwangi Desert is a vast and inhospitable place. Crossing it will demand a high level of fitness and stamina. Do you think you have that?

RON:
Definitely. I do a lot of walking. (DRAGS ON CIGARETTE) And Bev used to walk a lot, too. Didn’t you love? Every year we went to the Lake District, without fail.

BEV:
Without… (COUGHS) Without… (COUGHS AGAIN) …

RON:
The Lake District is lovely. Lots of hills. Have you ever been?

DIR:
(PAUSE).

RON:
We stayed in a tiny cottage in Keswick. It rained a lot, mind.

DIR:
You said Bev used to walk a lot.

RON:
Yes. Before she had to have the oxygen.

DIR:
Tell us about that.

RON:
Bev was a heavy smoker, weren’t you love? Oh, sixty a day. More when we went up the club. Well, we don’t really know why, but she started having breathing problems. Didn’t you love?

BEV:
(NODS) Breathing problems.

RON:
The doctors said it was…

BEV:
VERY BAD ATTACK OF COUGHING THAT GOES ON FOR SOME TIME.

RON:
The doctor said it was emphy-something. Mind you, I’m not convinced. National Health. You know… Well. We couldn’t afford private. Anyway. She has to have a top up of oxygen every now and then.

DIR:
How often?

RON:
For about ten minutes every hour.

DIR:
So… she has to hook up to… what… a machine?

RON:
Just an oxygen bottle.

DIR:
Won’t that be difficult? Crossing the desert?

RON:
Not really. The oxygen bottles come in a little trolley. It’s got wheels, you know. And the desert is pretty flat, isn’t it? We thought we might be able to adapt it. With little caterpillar tracks. Like a tank.

DIR:
And you’re sure she’s up to it?

RON:
Oh yes. And she’s cut down on smoking. Haven’t you love? She’s down to twenty a day.

BEV:
Unless we go up the club.

CUT TO:
SCENE 9. EXTERIOR. DESERT. MORNING.

THE MEMBERS OF THE EXPEDITION ARE ASSEMBLED AROUND A TENT IN THE DESERT. RON IS FIDDLING WITH BEV’S TROLLEY. A PLASTIC TUBE GOES FROM THE TWO LARGE OXYGEN BOTTLES TO HER NOSE. EVERYONE ELSE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO CAPTAIN DICK TROY WHO IS SHOWING THEM HOW TO ASSEMBLE A TENT. HE HAS A MALLET IN ONE HAND AND A METAL TENT PEG IN THE OTHER. TERRY (WHOM WE HAVEN’T MET YET) IS FILMING THE SCENE SEPARATELY WITH HIS CAMCORDER.

CDT:
There is no shelter for miles in every direction. Saddam’s crack troops are swarming around like wasps on a jam sandwich. This tent, the Titan 3 from Mountain Hardcore, could save your life. It sleeps three and has excellent ventilation and vestibules that have a support pole. The Titan 3 is worth its weight in gold. And the Titan 3 is very reasonably priced, too. Only $295 from all good camping shops. (PAUSE)
Now, obviously, I don’t have to tell you that you have to be extremely careful when you…
CDT SWINGS AT PEG WITH MALLET. HE MISSES AND HITS HIS HAND.
Fuck!
HE JUMPS UP AND DOWN WAVING HAND IN AIR IN EXTREME PAIN.

DIRECTOR:
(Voice off) Cut!