waiting to exhale

its an aching hollow feeling
like self flagellation

get a grip;
strong enough
to squeeze my breath out.

even though i know its only fleeting,
that i wont last more than
a few more fragments of time,
even then,

stubborn arrogant selfish pride,
childlike naiive pride,
stands behind me and eggs me on

as i walk, obstinately
just one step out of reach,
resolutely cold and stone voiced,
i'm melting inside.

and i can feel u behind me,
against the small of my back,
like a feather touch of the sharpest knife
i feel ur pain,
and then there's mine

i am
exponentially spiralling down
into the black hole of my heart
i dont think i will be able to hold this pose
a fraction of a second more

i give up
turn
and run for life
and crash hurtling back into ur palm
inside
where i belong

happy
home
whole
hoaxed

what have you become to me?
what have you done ...

and once again i'm grinning for now reason
as i walk the lonely corridors

and once again i'm alive and singing
is it u, or me, that i am singing for?