The Savage Desert - Continued

SCENE 14: EXT. HOUSE IN UK.
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF ZEPH’S MANOR HOUSE, SET IN EXTENSIVE GROUNDS. IT’S A LOVELY SUNNY DAY. BIRDS ARE SINGING.
CUT TO:

SCENE 15. INT. ZEPH’S HOUSE.

JIZZ STANDS BEFORE A WALL OF GOLD AND PLATINUM DISCS – ALL IN FRAMES.

JIZZ:
These are all Zeph’s million-selling albums. When they see us in the paper every day people forget that Zeph used to be a talented musician. I, personally, don’t know why the paparazzi won’t leave us alone. Just because Zeph is 43 and I’m 17. I’m not worried about the age difference and so I don’t see why anyone else should be.

DIR:
(Off camera) And you love him?

JIZZ:
(ROLLS EYES) Of course. How many times do I have to tell people? And I adore his music. Vienna were brilliant. Really cool.

DIR:
You were a baby when they were in the charts.

JIZZ:
I still used to listen to music, though. Good music is good music at any age, isn’t it?

CUT TO:
SCENE 16. INT. ZEPH’S HOUSE

LARGE EMPTY WHITE ROOM. (AS IN JOHN AND YOKO’S IMAGINE SESSION) ZEPH IS SITTING AT A LARGE, WHITE SYNTHESISER. HE IS ALSO DRESSED ALL IN WHITE. JIZZ SITS BESIDE HIM. SHE IS WEARING A WHITE DRESSING GOWN. THE FRONT ALMOST REVEALS HER BREASTS – AND, DURING INTERVIEW, SHE KEEPS PULLING IT AROUND HERSELF, AT THE SAME TIME DELIBERATELY DRAWING ATTENTION TO ITS LOOSENESS.

ZEPH:
Hi, I’m Zeph. And this is Jizz. And we’re really looking forward to this challenge. I’ve always felt that I have an infinity with the desert.

DIR:
(Off camera) Is that why you’re doing it?

ZEPH:
Well, the truth is – we’re doing it for charity. Aren’t we, Jizz? We’re being sponsored. For every mile we cover we’re donating money to our favourite good causes.

DIR:
Who is sponsoring you then?

ZEPH:
Oh… loads of people from the music business. Um…

JIZZ:
Your Mum. And all my teachers at the Tech.

DIR:
The Desert is a hard place. Do you think you have what it takes?

ZEPH:
I’m not sure, to be honest. But we have been training.

JIZZ:
And my Dad. He’s been very generous. And my mates.

DIR:
You’ve been training?

ZEPH:
That’s right. First we watched Lawrence of Arabia. You know. To get the feel of it. The heat. The sun. The sand. Great soundtrack.

JIZZ:
Yeah. And Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

ZEPH:
That’s got some great music, too. All that Seventies disco. Mind you, I didn’t like it at the time. Nobody liked it then. It’s like Abba. Everyone hated them. Now they love them.

DIR:
(PAUSE) You’ve been training?

ZEPH:
Yeah, as I said. We’ve been going for long walks in hostile environments.

JIZZ:
Streatham High Street.

ZEPH:
Not that there’s anything wrong with Streatham. It’s not that hostile.

JIZZ:
No. My last boyfriend came from Brixton. That’s not that far from Streatham. He was manager of the bar at Brixton Academy. Saw some great bands there. I’ve always been into musical types.

ZEPH:
We built it up. We did ten minutes one day. Twenty the next.

JIZZ:
Then thirty minutes.

ZEPH:
Forty.

JIZZ:
Then fifty.

ZEPH:
Building up to an hour.

DIR:
Some people might say that you are only doing this to revive a failing career.


ZEPH:
To be honest, I don’t listen to the people who say that any more.

JIZZ STARTS TO PLAY CHOPSTICKS ON THE SYNTH.

ZEPH:
Stop that, darling. (SMILING) You know I don’t like that tune. Why don’t you open the curtains?

JIZZ’S DRESSING GOWN SLIPS. SHE PULLS IT UP AND GIGGLES COYLY.

JIZZ:
Oops.

CUT TO:
SCENE 17. EXT. DESERT. EARLY MORNING.

THE EXPEDITION IS ABOUT TO START. THE FOUR COUPLES ARE LINED UP WHERE THE MADE-UP ROAD FINISHES AND THE DESERT BEGINS. CAPTAIN DICK TROY HAS RIGGED UP A TAPE (POLICE ACCIDENT DO NOT PASS) BETWEEN TWO BOLLARDS WHICH HE PLANS TO CUT THEATRICALLY WITH A MACHETTE TO SIGNIFY THE START OF THE EXPEDITION. RON OPENS A NEW PACKET OF MARLBOROUGH LITES. ZEPH AND JIZZ LOOK VERY DETERMINED.

CDT:
Eight people. Eight ordinary people. About to embark upon the journey of a lifetime. Nine people if you include me. Even more if you include yourselves and…

DIR:
Shall we run that again? Just keep it simple.

CDT:
Okay. (PAUSE)
The Nwangi Desert in West Africa. Two hundred kilometres of featureless sand stands between us and the place that we are heading for. Will we be successful? If we make it – yes. If not – no. It’s as simple as that. It’s all about team work. It’s that simple. It’s all about finding our own inner strength. Summoning up reserves. About treating the desert with respect. As you would your mother. Or father, even. Except when you were a teenager, possibly. About conserving water. About reading the subtle signs of sand and weather. About staying alive.

(PAUSE)

(TO DIR.) How was that?

ZEPH:
(Off camera) That was the Bee Gees. (SINGS) Ooh ooh ooh. Staying Alive….

CDT:
No. How was that?

CUT TO:

DANIELLA LOOKS VERY SMART AND IS HEAVILY MADE UP. SHE GESTURES TO THE CAMERA TO MOVE BACK SO THAT SHE CAN SHOW OFF HER DRESS. SHE DOES A QUICK POSE.

CUT TO:

TERRY FILMING CDT WITH CAMCORDER.

CUT TO:

CDT ABOUT TO CUT TAPE.

CDT:
I now declare this expedition…

MACHETE CUTS TAPE. CLOSE UP OF CDT’S FACE IN EXTREME PAIN AS MACHETE BURIES ITSELF IN HIS LEG.

DIRECTOR:
Cut!