The Sands of Hell (Part Four)

SCENE 10: EXT. HOUSE IN UK.
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF TERENCE AND DANIELLA-JAYNE’S VERY EXPENSIVE MOCK-TUDOR HOME ON EXCLUSIVE ESTATE IN SURREY. IT IS SNOWING. A ROBIN PERCHES ON BRANCH.

CUT TO:
SCENE 11. INT. DRAWING ROOM.

TERENCE AND DANIELLA EACH SIT AT ONE END OF A VERY LARGE, PALE PINK, MOCK-LEATHER SOFA. DANIELLA IS READING. SHE AFFECTS SURPRISE THAT THE CAMERA IS THERE. SHE PLACES BOOK CAREFULLY BY HER SIDE. ON HER ARM OF THE SOFA IS BALANCED A HUGE BOX OF CHOCOLATES.

DURING THE INTERVIEW TERRY TAKES THE OPPORTUNITY TO CAMCORD THE CREW – BOB AND WILMOT. A FEW OF THESE SHOTS CAN BE CUT INTO THE REGULAR FOOTAGE. THE TIME AND DATE IN CORNER – THE LITTLE PANELS THAT LINE UP THE SHOT ETC. ARE ALL IN VIEW AND IT’S ON THE WONK.

DANIELLA:
Oh… sorry. Donna Tartt. Such a talented novelist. And a very private person.

TERRY:
Hi. I’m Terence. This is Daniella.

DANIELLA:
It’s such a shame about her name. Terry’s more keen on factual books, aren’t you dear? (PAUSE) We are so looking forward to this trip. We got wind of it from our friend Bobby. He’s a producer for Radio 5. Very highly thought of. Very innovative. He said it was us to a T.
By the way, it’s actually Daniella-Jayne.

TERRY:
Not just factual books. I like adventure novels, too. Good writers, though. Early Ludlum. Follett.. They…

DANIELLA:
(INTERRUPTS) And the fabulous thing is – Terence is going to film it. Aren’t you, Terence?

TERRY:
Yes. I’ve got a…

DANIELLA:
(INTERRUPTS) Terence has always fancied himself as a bit of a film maker. He did our Gloria’s wedding. So when his firm offered him a fantastic retirement package I bought him the absolute latest camera thing.

TERRY:
It’s brilliant. It’s 14 bit DXP. It’s got a resolution of 520 horizontal lines. Hologram AF. Bluetooth connectivity. And Infrared. It can film at night. You see, normally a camera filters out infra-red because…

DANIELLA:
(INTERRUPTS) That’s enough for now, dear.

TERRY:
And it only weighs 520 grams.

DIRECTOR:
(O.O.V.) How do you feel about crossing one of the world’s most hostile places?

DANIELLA:
Well, I can do some reading… and, um … top up my tan.

CUT TO:

SCENE 12. INT. DANIELLA’S BEDROOM

A LARGE OSTENTATIOUS ROOM. ONE WALL IS MADE UP OF SLIDING MIRRORED DOORS. WE CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THE DIRECTOR, BOB THE CAMERAMAN AND WILMOT, THE SOUND ENGINEER, IN MIRROR. DANIELLA SLIDES DOOR BACK TO REVEAL RACKFULS OF CLOTHES.

SHE PULLS OUT A PARTICULARLY SHOWY DRESS AND HOLDS IT UP. IT’S OBVIOUSLY DESIGNED FOR SOMEONE SLIMMER THAN SHE.

DANIELLA:
Guess who designed this?

DIR:
(O.O.V.) Who was it?

DANIELLA:
Guess.

DIR:
I don’t know.

DANIELLA:
You must know. It’s really obvious.

DIR:
(PAUSE)

DANIELLA:
I’ll give you a clue. (SINGS) Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away…

DIR:
Paul McCartney?

DANIELLA:
Silly. (SHE HOLDS DRESS OUT TO CAMERA) Heather Mills of course. Paul McCartney’s daughter.
(SHE SELECTS SEVERAL DRESSES IN DESERT CAMOUFLAGE COLOURS. HOLDS THEM OUT TO CAMERA.)
What do you think?

DIR:
I think she’s he’s wife.

DANIELLA:
(NOT LISTENING) (HOLDS DRESS AGAINST HER) That’ll look rather good in the desert, don’t you think? It’ll show off my tan.

CUT TO:
SCENE 13. EXT. DESERT.

THE GROUP ARE TRYING ON THEIR BACK PACKS.

CDT:
(TO GROUP) Supplies. Vital if we are to be successful in our mission to cross The Sands of Hell. We will each be carrying around 1000 kilograms of supplies. And our tents, of course. The Titan 3 from Mountain Hardcore. It’s a great little tent. Very sturdy. Very useful. With 200 kilometres of barren desert to cross we’ll need a reliable tent.

PAN TO:

BEV AND RON.

RON IS FIDDLING WITH BEV’S OXYGEN TROLLEY.

RON:
(TO CAMERA) See. What we’ve done is to convert Bev’s oxygen trolley to carry her pack. Brilliant, eh?

PAN TO:

FRED, JUNE AND LIAM THE DOG. JUNE HAS HER BACK PACK ON BUT FRED IS HAVING TROUBLE WITH HIS. IT’S TOO HEAVY.

DIR:
(O.O.V) You brought the dog, then?

JUNE:
(TO CAMERA) Of course we did. We couldn’t leave him behind could we? Who knows what those nasty men would have done with him.

DIR:
Nasty men?

FRED:
I expect June means the removal men.

JUNE:
Liam loves it already. (TO DOG) Don’t you boy? Yes you do. You do. Yes you do. (TO CAMERA) He’ll love it here. Going for walks in the desert.

DIR:
Rather a long walk, though, isn’t it? 200 kilometres.

JUNE:
He’ll love it.

DIR:
Was it difficult? All the paperwork you must have had to do. The permits and so on. To bring the dog?

JUNE:
No. Well, we…er… didn’t really need…um…
(SHE LOOKS TO FRED FOR HELP)

FRED:
A mate of mine organised the… er… forms.

JUNE:
(TO DOG) And Liam didn’t like the nasty medicine, did he? No he didn’t. And did lickle Liam have to have a long bye byes? Did he? He did. He’s a good boy. Yes he is. (TO CAMERA) He loves having his tummy tickled.

FRED:
It’s no good. I can’t get this on. It’s too heavy.

HE TIPS BACK PACK UP AND FIFTEEN OR SO TINS OF DOG FOOD FALL OUT ON TO GROUND.

JUNE:
(TO DIRECTOR BEHIND CAMERA) Couldn’t they go in the Winnibago? You know, in the van?

PAN TO:
DANIELLA AND TERENCE. TERENCE HAS HIS PACK ON. DANIELLA IS REGARDING HERS QUIZZICALLY. SHE STILL HAS EQUIPMENT TO PACK WHICH IS LITTERED AROUND HER.

DANIELLA:
It’s the water. I can’t fit it in. I’ll have to leave it behind.

TERRY:
Let’s have a look.
HE PUTS HIS HAND IN BACK PACK AND PULLS OUT LOTS OF CHOCOLATE BARS.
Yeuck. Oh dear. It’s melting. Disgusting…

PAN TO:
ZEPH AND JIZZ. ZEPH HAS HIS BACK PACK ON BUT HE LOOKS VERY UNSTEADY. WE CAN SEE THE REASON. HIS ELECTRIC GUITAR AND AMPLIFIER ARE PERCHED ON TOP. HE WOBBLES AS THOUGH HE IS ABOUT TO FALL OVER.

ZOOM OUT: TO REVEAL BOTH FRED AND ZEPH STRUGGLING UNDER THE WEIGHT - AND BETWEEN THEM CAPTAIN DICK TROY.

CDT IS HAVING TROUBLE GETTING HIS BACK PACK ON BECAUSE ONE HAND IS HEAVILY BANDAGED. HE SWINGS THE PACK ROUND AND THE MOMENTUM SENDS HIM SPRAWLING BACKWARDS.

CDT:
Fuck!

DIR:
(O.O.V) That’ll be good in the outtakes.

BOB THE CAMERAMAN:
(O.O.V.) We could send it to that programme on Sky. They pay £200 for cock-ups.

DIR:
(O.O.V.) Okay. Cut.